


The Perfect Drug

by JackPotato



Series: Song Fic Series [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Drug Use, Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, NSFW, Sex, handjobs, possible trigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 12:52:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10662999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackPotato/pseuds/JackPotato
Summary: Alec stops for a second and takes a deep breath, anger rising as Magnus takes another nonchalant drag of his cigarette, before tilting his face up and blowing the smoking out, watching as it blows away. Alec had been worried about Magnus, he hadn’t slept, he had been thrown out of his class and here he was… just sitting here… smoking…





	The Perfect Drug

**Author's Note:**

> Song Fic Series  
> Thank you for the kudo and comments!!  
> Your encouragement gives me the courage to keep writing!  
> Completely unbeta'd so please be kind.
> 
> Possible trigger warning - so heed the warnings in the tags - anxiety/panic attacks. 
> 
> **I've read a bit about mixing cold medicine with anxiety medicine and I've had personal experience but it might not be 100% accurate. 
> 
> Song - The Perfect Drug - Nine Inch Nails. 
> 
> Come say hi - jackpotato on tumblr

**_I got my head but my head is unravelling_ **

**_Can’t keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling_ **

**_I got my heart but my heart's no good_ **

**_You’re the only one that's understood_ **

****

Alec has been searching for Magnus all day, the knot in his stomach from the phone call last night growing heavier and larger as the day progresses. Twisting and turning his insides, unable to stay still in this morning classes, fidgeting, drumming fingers, playing with pens, until his history teacher had, had enough with him, kicking him out of the class.

Without a second thought about what people were probably saying, Alec left without a word and was now using that time to find Magnus.

At lunch he finds him, outside the art room portables – smoking.

Alec wonders how he can be so bold as to smoke here – so out in the open where anyone could see him… where he could get caught.

Walking up to him slowly, like he was approaching a wild animal, Alec takes in his appearance, black shirt untucked, tie askew, hair completely wild, completely unlike his normally immaculately dressed self. Alec stops for a second and takes a deep breath, anger rising as Magnus takes another nonchalant drag of his cigarette, before tilting his face up and blowing the smoking out, watching as it blows away. Alec had been worried about Magnus, he hadn’t slept, he had been thrown out of his class and here he was… just sitting here… smoking…

Stomping up to him, face full of thunder, Alec shoves Magnus hard, ‘Where the hell have you been?’, he yells through gritted teeth. Magnus stumbles a little, surprised, cigarette falling from his lips and onto the ground.

‘Fuck off, Alec’ Magnus growls, realising who it is, before clumsily stumbling to pick up his cigarette. Magnus turns his back on him as he picks it up and taking another long drag of his cigarette. Alec growls again deep in his throat, before roughly grabbing his other hand and pulling him down the side of the weatherboard buildings in between the two portables.

His anger is boiling over, Alec roughly shoves him against the weatherboard cladding, pinning him there by the shoulder’s breath coming out hard.

‘What the fuck was with that message? You’re seeing someone now? That’s bullshit Magnus and you know it!’ Alec thunders, not stopping for breath.

Magnus just laughs, body limp, dropping his head down like a rag doll, trying to take another drag of his cigarette, but can’t because Alec has him pinned.

Alec let’s go of one shoulder and roughly puts a hand under Magnus’ chin, pulling his head up so he can look him in the eye. Magnus looks at him for a second, before rolling his eyes and closing them, but it was long enough for Alec to see the massively dilated pupils, the brown of his eyes barely visible ‘Are you high?’

Magnus laughs again, keeping his gaze firmly planted on the ground, because it hurts too much to look into those big hazel eyes, ‘It stops me thinking… stops me feeling Alec. You don’t know what that’s like for me... to feel’. His voice is haunted, ragged and course, like after a big night out.

Alec raises one eyebrow at him, looking utterly confused.

‘Oh, if only you knew Alexander’, Magnus laughs bitterly, ‘You have no idea how hard it is just to breathe right now’.

Alec scoffs, ‘Tell me Magnus, why everything is so hard for you? Are you forced in the closet by your homophobic parents too?’ he says sarcastically.

Magnus looks up to give him a dirty look and tries to buck out of Alec’s grip, but Alec is too strong and he’s too drug fucked from smoking weed earlier.

‘Let me go! You have no fucking idea!’  He yells, before dropping his head forward for a second. Magnus finally looks up, levelling his dilated eyes to Alec’s angry hazel ones, ‘Why the fuck, do you care? I’m just an experiment, right?’

The corner of Alec’s mouth curves up slightly, but he doesn’t say anything which unsettles Magnus more even in his current state.

The silence.

Magnus bucks again and yells this time, loud enough to be heard, ‘Fucking, get off me then!’

This sudden burst startles Alec, who looks furtively around, hastily putting his hand over Magnus’ mouth, ‘Shhhhh! Do you want them to find us like this?’ he gives him a knowing look, raising a knowing eyebrow, ‘You’re not exactly in the best state’.

Magnus huffs against Alec’s hand and Alec can feel the warm breath against his skin. Alec tries to not think about how that feels, as he continues to watch Magnus. After a moment, Magnus rolls his eyes and then nods. Tentatively Alec removes his hand.

Magnus licks his dry lips and he sees how Alec tracks the movement. He looks up at Alec and their eyes lock.

For that brief and intense moment, it almost seems like the world melts away, and nothing else matters.

‘I care ok?’ Alec whispers.

~

 

**_I come along but I don't know where you're taking me_ **

**_I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me_ **

**_Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky_ **

**_The more I give to you the more I die_ **

****

Alec is dragging Magnus to one of his parent’s cars, which he borrowed without asking this morning so he could drive past Magnus’ place, but after giving him a quizzical look, Clary Fray had told him, Magnus had already left.  Alec did not care this morning how much trouble he’d be in if his parents noticed he’d taken one of the cars, nor had he cared about what Clary Fray would have said to her friends today, _‘Something odd happened this morning… Alec Lightwood came to the house this morning… looking for Magnus’_.

 

Alec just wanted to find him and now he _needed_ to get Magnus out of school. But Magnus is all limp limbs and laughing crazily, as Alec tries to help him across the car park and towards his borrowed car. Stuffing him in the passenger seat and slamming the door, Alec looks furtively around the student car park, before rounding the car and getting into the driver’s side. He looks across to Magnus who’s slumped against the door.

 

Starting the car, Alec looks out of the windscreen for a moment out across the vacant carpark and up at the grey sky. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, which somewhat settles him, before he opens them again and swiftly puts the car into reverse and pulls out of the school, screeching tires and burning rubber. _So much for not looking inconspicuous_ , he thinks.

Alec just drives and drives with no real purpose, just wanting to clear his head, surprised when he reaches the forest at the edge of town. Briefly looking across to Magnus, he steers the car down the small track to the make-out point. When he parks the car in the clearing, and turns the ignition off, he is suddenly stunned by the silence.

Looking over to Magnus, Alec sees the normally flamboyant and self-assured boy curled up into a ball, chin resting on his knees. Alec can see tear tracks down his normally olive cheeks, his pallor now very pale.  Alec carefully leans over and slightly cups his cheek. Slowly Magnus turns to look at him. At that moment, he just looks like a frightened boy.

~

 

**_And I want you_ **

****

Suddenly, Magnus rushes forward in the seat and kisses Alec hard, ‘ufffhh’ is all he can say before he’s melting into the kiss, wrapping his arms around him. Magnus moves his hands up and under Alec’s black shirt, and Alec makes a muffled sound as he tries to push Magnus off him.

As much as he wants this, he needs to know what’s wrong with Magnus first.

Alec manages to push Magnus off him, unwrapping his octopus’ arms from him, and giving him a hard push, so Magnus falls back against the passenger seat. Alec huffs a little as Magnus scrambles to the other side of the car, face full of hurt and anger, ‘So you don’t want me anymore is that it?’ he spits out, and then before Alec can say anything, he’s abruptly reaching for the door handle, roughly pulling it down and pushing the door open, slamming it close again as he stumbles out and towards the forest.

Alec sits in the car for a moment in shock, licking his lips, tasting Magnus’ kiss, before he realises what has just happened and as abruptly as Magnus did, he’s leaving the car and racing after him.

‘Magnus!’ he shouts.

‘Go away!’ Magnus shouts back.

Alec obviously not drug affected, catches up to him easily and pulls him to the ground, pinning him there on his back against the wet grass.

Magnus struggles, but stops after a minute realising it’s no use. Instead he glares at him silently.

Alec rolls his eyes, ‘Of course I want you… I want...’ he looks away for a moment, down at the buttons on Magnus’ shirt absently noticing they’re buttoned wrong, ‘I want more…’ he continues after a moment, still looking at Magnus’ shirt, not wanting to look him in the eye, Alec swallows hard, slowly raising his eyes to meet Magnus’, but still he can’t quite look him directly in the eyes, ‘but... I must know… I have to know….’ Alec stops, he can’t quite seem to get the rest of the words out, a lump forming in his throat.

Magnus’ eyes first widened, waiting in anticipation to what he is going to say next. Does Alec want the same thing?  But the boy can’t seem to look him in the eye and Magnus doesn’t say anything in reply, just cocks an eyebrow, waiting.

After a moment of silence, Alec shakes his head, and with a huff, he let’s go of Magnus, taking his silence as an answer. Because surely Magnus would know what he was asking, right? They always do in those stupid romance films. Finishing each other’s sentences, knowing just the right thing to say in reply. But this isn’t a romance film and Magnus isn’t saying the words Alec wants to hear and the words he wants to say are just not coming out.

And of course, Magnus has someone else.

 _He doesn’t want you._  

‘What’s the use huh? You’ve got someone else, right?’ Alec gets up off Magnus and sits down in front of him, back towards him. Magnus groans a little and gets up on his elbows, watching Alec’s hunched broad shoulders, head dropped against his chest, showing off his pale neck, the dishevelled raven hair...

Magnus sighs.

_Why can’t this be easy?_

~

 

**_You are the perfect drug_ **

****

Magnus gets up and crawls towards Alec, placing a hand lightly on his back. ‘There’s no one else, just you’, he says softly. Alec’s shoulders seem to soften a little at Magnus’ words. Back still to Magnus, Alec replies just as softly, ‘I want to be with you’.  Somehow, it’s easier to say the words, when he’s not looking at him. Magnus grabs Alec’s shoulder, lightly pulling him so he faces him. Magnus gives him a small smile, and Alec finally looks him in the eyes, ‘but it’s complicated’ Alec adds and Magnus nods, pulling him into a hug.

‘I want to be with you too’.

 

~

 

**The perfect drug**

**The perfect drug**

**The perfect drug**

They’d been sitting in this forest for at least 2 hours now, School long out for the day. Lying back on the wet grass, Magnus wrapped up in Alec’s arms, talking about their lives, families, friends, wants, needs, the past, the future…

‘So that’s why I was like this,’ Magnus says waving his hands with a flourish, finishing off telling Alec about the previous night, before cuddling back into Alec again. Alec sighs, ‘I know my parents are going to kick me out … but do you think this might be worth all of that?’

Magnus smiles and leans back into Alec, kissing him on the cheek, ‘yes’. He says softly.

~

 

**_You make me hard when I’m all soft inside_ **

**_I see the truth when I’m all stupid-eyed_ **

**_The arrow goes straight through my heart_ **

**_Without you everything just falls apart_ **

****

Lips crash and hands move across bodies, clothing removed, searching… skin on skin.

Alec shivers a little, as he feels the cool grass against his skin, but warmed by Magnus’ body heat on top of him. Magnus has his pants open, stroking him slowly and Alec can’t help but buck into his hand.

‘I want you’ he gasps.

Magnus kisses his jaw, murmuring something into the skin of his neck before sucking a little at the skin.

‘M-Magnus’, he gasps, closing his eyes at the feeling of Magnus’ mouth on his neck.

‘M-Magnus’ he says a little more urgently, enough that Magnus stops and lifts his head to look at him.

‘I _love you’,_ Alec says suddenly before launching forward to kiss him, afraid of what the answer may be. Trying to smother anything Magnus might have to say.

Magnus groans into the kiss, before cupping Alec’s face and pulling him back.

‘I love you too, Alexander’.

Their eyes lock for a moment before their kissing, hard and fast, Alec is reaching down to unbutton Magnus’ pants, urgently pulling them apart and pulling his cock out, trying to stroking him in time with Magnus’ hand on his own cock, but they’re in an awkward position and it’s just not enough.

Alec gasps and bucks up as Magnus engulfs both their cocks in his hands, slowly stroking them, head against Alec’s shoulder, breathing heavily into his neck.

Alec shivers at the breath on his shoulder, these new feelings of love coursing through him. Somehow not as foreign as he thought they would be. As if they had always been there, unrecognised and unrealised until this moment. The mix of love and lust making the experience of their current lovemaking... _Wow lovemaking... Alec thinks absently,_ more intense.

The come down from all the stress of the last 24 hours and love declarations, makes Alec pliant and tired, all he can do is gasp and give himself completely to the feeling.

Alec moves his hand into Magnus’ normally spiky hair, ‘f-fuck Magnus, close’ he gasps as Magnus speeds up his strokes and all Alec can do is thrust up into his hand, giving himself completely to Magnus.

All too soon their coming… like some bad romance fiction novel… together. Gasping and clutching each other as they do.

They stay like that, in the field, in each other’s arms for a while, whispered promises and plans for the future, before they realise the sun has crawled across the sky, telling them it’s getting late.

**~**

**_My blood just wants to say hello to you_ **

**_My fear is warm to get inside of you_ **

**_My soul is so afraid to realize_ **

**_How very little bit is left of me_ **

****

Alec smiles to himself as he shuts the car door, and with a sigh turns towards his house. Remembering the words Magnus had said to him before he had left, ‘It’s going to be okay…’ he had whispered, cupping Alec’s face looking deep into each other’s eyes, ‘I love you Alexander Lightwood, nothing will change that’.

 _It’s going to be ok…_ he keeps repeating to himself like some sort of mantra.

He lets himself into the house through the kitchen, the house quiet and cold.

His parents won’t be home for another hour yet, just enough time to over analyse and stress out what he’s going to say to them.

He’d talked about it with Magnus… He was going to go home and do the same thing.

_Tell them. All out in the open, Come what may._

When he reaches his room, Alec flops on the bed, hand over his eyes.

He feels drained and a little sick from stressing out, his anxiety creeping back like an old foe… plus the lack of sleep last night and feeling like he was getting a cold earlier. Now, sniffing, his head feeling cloudy, stomach in knots, chest feeling tight… he feels 10 times worse. Alec groans as he removes his arm from over his eyes and sits up slowly and turns his head towards the door.

Alec can’t really see his father in this condition… he’ll think… well, he’ll think Magnus a bad influence if he sees him like this sweaty…stressed…

Slowly Alec gets up and heads to the bathroom across the hallway and opening the bathroom cabinet, he pulls out his old anxiety medicine, his name typed out neatly on it in little letters; Alexander Gideon Lightwood. He hadn’t taken it in a while, not for a couple of months anyway, not since he’d started this thing with Magnus. His panic attacks had started pretty much after he realised he was gay when he was fourteen and realised he might have liked his best friend’s ass just a little too much. Around the same time, the pressure from his parents started, now that he was getting older he had responsibilities, find a girl, follow in his father’s footsteps, uphold the Lightwood reputation... And his father’s homophobia had intensified, with more vial rants at the dinner table. A coincidence not left unnoticed by Alec.

That’s when he started having the panic attacks, mostly at home, but once at school. And of course, his parents quickly took him to a doctor, because they couldn’t have the public seeing that and rumours spreading about their eldest child now could they?

Can’t tarnish their perfectly crafted image.

Opening the little orange bottle, Alec shakes out two pills, popping both into his mouth.

Alec sighs, as he looks himself in the mirror, he hadn’t slept much the night before, dark bags under his eyes from the stress of Magnus’ call last night. He sniffs a little, still feeling the onset of a cold; rolling around in cold grass with Magnus earlier didn’t help.

Maybe I’ll just have some …

Looking through the cabinet, Alec eyes some cough medicine. Quickly grabbing the bottle, Alec takes a quick swig from the bottle, wincing a little at the bad artificial cherry taste, before recapping it and placing it back neatly on the shelf.

Heading back to his room, Alec flops back onto his bed face first.

He turns his head to the side and looks towards the clock… 5.30… so he has half an hour…

Half an hour before he tells his parents about his big gay romance, Alec thinks bitterly.

Alec sighs again and turns onto his back, arm across his eyes again… daydreaming about his life, his future with Magnus.

~

 

**_Take me with you_ **

**_Without you everything just falls apart_ **

**_It’s not as much fun to pick up the pieces_ **

****

At 5.45 Alec begins to feel a little off, he goes to sit up and waves of dizziness and nausea sets in.

He feels tightness in his chest and his right arm going numb… His vision is blurring… Panicking he fumbles for his phone... but he can’t quite make out the phone pad, knowing his phone off by heart though, he fumbles for his most recent phone calls… knowing Magnus was the last person he called.

Pressing the call button, the tightness in his chest is increasing and his breathing is so laboured now, deep shallow breathes, almost gasping…

Faintly he hears Magnus pick up, ‘Magnus…’ he gasps.

 ‘Alec? Alec? What’s wrong?’ voice panicked…

‘Magnus… can you call... ambulance… think I’m… took medicine and…pills’ he says breath laboured, gasping with every word, he can faintly hear Magnus’ panicked calls ‘Please hurry’ he whispers, before dropping the phone and sinking into a black abyss.

 


End file.
